The End

So im not going back; and all because of a delayed bank statement, which arrived today. My flight is tomorrow evening and i dont have a visa. So that's it, decision was out of my hands anyway. I'm disappointed. I miss my friends; they were the greatest, truely indescribably amazing. grr im so pissed off. simo wrote me, and i was on facebook looking through his photos and got so jealous. and magda emailed to say i was her favourite volunteer. and darina sent the sweetest condolences. there's photos i was meant to take, that i didnt, photos with them; photos of that 'Belfaso' shop i slipped past everyday on my march to the LSC. the forty minute walk through snow and cold, my fingers so brittle they could barely bend around the handle of the plastic 'mega' bag of text books id be carrying. man my memories of nizhny are so vivid, because life was so real.

and for the past week ive been sitting at home in my pyjamas, with smelly hair and an unwashed face. pouring time into this rut of Alley McBeal replays, internet surfing, peanut butter sandwiches and shreddies. grr its pathetic. i need to reincarnate that super woman ego that drives you to the gym, to buy high heels, to spritz perfume, to not be a messy smelly tramp disappearing into my house. but id rather disappear then go back to clubs and high street, where stupid men eye you up like they're man enough, when they havent lived through racism and fear and skinheads and -30. and yet i feel like i abandoned them. my wonderful friends that are still there, shivering in the cold. waiting for me to come back.

So i guess this is it, the last page; the End of my wonderland. I hated it, but man i loved it.