12.01.09

i have re-read some of my blogs, and want to apologize for them. firstly i blame too much on the weather; there are many other countries which get equally as cold in the winter. i make too many grand generalisations. i am just so superficially idealistic. i am trying to analyse an entire nation; and am probably just terrified of the language barrier. i would like to stress however, that these blogs involve a very small margin of the emotion which i experience. they are what i feel for maybe an hour during the evening, or early morning before i go to bed. really i dont walk around certain that i am about to be jumped by a skinhead, looking deep into the eyes of every russian i meet; in order to percieve 'their soul'. i dont sit on the bus daydreaming about my identity, or trying to convince myself that i am something. i dont come off with such terribly sentimental and mystical eurekas when i speak. honestly i am a very ordinary girl, that functions and socialises very normally. this blog is just more personal then it probably should be, and i have a tendency to follow an idea to humiliating depths. i cant guarantee that in the future this blog will be less stupid, but i can ask you to believe me; that really i am very normal. quite unremarkably normal. of course, i probably dont have a very large audience, so really am apologizing into cyber space. But if you are a reader you fall into one of the following categories- which enable me to delude myself into continuing:- A) someone i dont know;like an internet surfer or intrigued acquaintance from some past event, that i can be as ridiculous as i like in front of- we will never meet! B) someone i do know, but who isnt surprised by my freakiness- because we are friends, and you know that i am strange; its accepted and therefore i can continue C) an acquaintance reading from curiosity, therefore someone i will never have to explain myself to, as really you dont know me well enough in order to bring up any of this, thereby humiliating me D) family; my freakiness is already an accepted thing, or else if it isnt, i am officially freaky and there is nothing either of us can do about it- so whats the point dwelling on it? E) someone who is less then a close friend but more then anacquaintance; and therefore possess the ability to well and truely humiliate me, because it is quite probable that i care what you think. thats supposing i even have enough 5 readers to fill each categorie. perhaps i will begin writing about miscellenaeous topics, such as the weather, the people, the food, the culture- without any of the extended deliberations so far involved.