22.12.08

a good portion of my time here is spent on buses, or waiting for them. and man, nothing can break your heart like a bus. as minutes upon minutes turn into three quarters of an hour, and despite your hope accelerating at every number; 64 never arrives. Being the translink veteran that i am, and having the mother that i do, of course by now i'm used to waiting in vain. But not in minus twelve! It's really beginning to get cold, and when you've been waiting for fortyminutes man you feel it! I understand now why russians are so crazy, the freeze is like fever. it causes you to behave competely irrationally, to act out instincts you would never contemplate in reality (and i do say reality, because thecold is a whole other place. even for russians.)- i stood at the busstop desperately trying to pull another pair of gloves over the ones i was already wearing, dancing around like i was dreaming- despite the crowd surrounding me. I understand now how stranded travellers can turn to cannibalism. Your pulse starts to slow down and you fall into this daze where you begin to lose your mind- as your limbs turn to lead you just stop thinking reasonably. and start acting desperately. logically, when a bus is so full that the doors wont shut and there is absolutely no room for you, you can spare another fifteen minutes to wait for the next safer less chlostrophobic option- but its just too cold! sometimes i feel like i could cry from the temperature.
The majority of the volunteers have returned from Helsinki; (where they discovered there isn't a problem with rats; but rabbits!) they left for three weeks to renew their visas. Andrea described her culture-shock at 'order and rules', because as Darina told me 'there are no rules in this country'. Anything is possible in Russia. Despite communism's anti-individualism, i think they have totally flexible even vague standards of behavioural 'norms' here. People act as they like, they arent limited by some general order of things; this morning i watched old women run through moving traffic-- and that cant even be a generalisation- just because these old women did it, doesnt mean tomorrow other old women will. its just totally unpredictable. and the complete lack of logic or rationality attributes to the absence of structure, real authority, co-operation, manners, respect, but also to their openness. Anything goes, and thats the aggravating beauty of it. I remember one of Dostoevsky's conclusions,that i probably have completely misunderstood (but if im right) he was arguing that the existence of God is proven in man's complete irrationality. Because we do not always pursue our personal benefit therefore we are totally unpredictable and because of that- transcend explanation, evolution and animals. its what proves we have souls. If we were creatures of evolution, surely we would be in a constant state of personal evolution- rather then self destruction i.e. history is not progressing; crimes are still as foul, people still as lost. In our innate flaw God's glory is revealed. Not because He made us flawed, but i dunno- just cause. Just cause we need Him. And although russians can reallly realllllllly aggravate me, this is such a russian attribute; it is so obvious here. And if Dostoevsky was not russian, he would not have written that. Russia is huge, abundant in natural resources and educated talented people, and yet still such a mess. Theyve just cocked up. But not because there is something wrong with them. In fact, i cant help but to wonder if its because somethings right with them. There is such a sort of anarchy here, noone seems to know what their priority should be. obviously in heaven there is order, but its not the type of order dictated by materialism and self preservation- it is just an acceptance of the indisputable authority; an innate response to His soveignity; a form of worship. And if materialism and conquering the world hasnt moved Russia into order, is it because the only thing that can- is submission and worship? is Russia still so lost, because they dont have Christmas? I mean, did Dostoevsky embody Russia in his Idiot? the helpless fool that couldnt function in reality only because he was too good for it? Does Russia just want more then what it should logically pursue? And is left behind, panting and sweating and cursing?
This place has been in a continual state of disrepair; it still hasnt had enough time to just gather its pieces back together and breathe. They are still just working out how to be happy- nevermind materialistic, greedy and ambitious. And that vulnerability is so obvious in the hopelessness incarnate in alcoholism. Russians just dont know how to be happy; and understandably its usually out of their hands. Their lives are so far, the product of economic and political turmoil. and as Natasha- who accompanied Almira and I to Fantastika yesterday explained, that helplessness- and the identity crisis brought about by the collapse of the Soviet Union has led men to the bottom of the bottle. They became abusive husbands and fathers; boys were raised without rolemodels and grew up lacking responsibility or aspirations, they became the obnoxious fruitcakes roaming russians streets today; that leave alone in their wake, single mothers and abandoned sons. Of course there are decent russian men in the world, but she assured me that this is the common story. women are left behind, and forced as they have been throughout generations- to be strong. the fierce babushkas who shove you around on the bus are just aging soviet women, tough because theyve lived through every bump of Russia's recent journey, including the funerals of their conscripted sweethearts. And of course these single mothers dote on their only sons, who grow up spoilt by affection and attention- and the prize of four or five women competing for the security of a partner. I have to reiterate, its not that russian men are innate scoundrels or that they will all grow up to be- i know plenty of perfectly normal russian men, and overheard Sveta severly rebuking Sirosha for not doing his homework, its just that there seems to be a general failure of men around here- to be men. But maybe its just because there arent so many of them. Either way, women pick up the pieces. I am really beginning to respect them, they are a whole different kettle of fish. so beautiful and smart and determined, juggling their figures with their kids with their jobs with the weather. or their price tags with their rent with their diets with the weather. they really dont give it a rest, and even if it is frustrating, you have to respect them for it. Nowhere else in the world, can women still be so feminine and sexually suggestive, in freezing cold weather.
p.s. the economy crisis here is grim, on one particular street- where i have been warned not to visit, there is a factory which fires 200 people a day. In every discussion i have with a russian about the future, they answer 'depending on the economy' or, 'if i still have my job'.