29.12.2008

There is a sort of 'foreigner underground' here, a kind of reactionary student community that spites russia by ignoring it. Alot of students come to study here, particuarly medicine- many asians and africans; they live together, eat together, associate together and party together. I know students that have lived here for years, still have very few russian friends and cannot speak the language. Really i cant blame them, when, as Ian told me at Church- "it's such a hard place to be foreign". The coloured student vs russia relationship is summed up in his statement, "we only came here to study. we're not taking jobs or stealing from the economy. Why can't they just let us be?"And as my bus to work drove past, as it does everyday, the "Mediskinski Institute" i almost burst out laughing when a foreign looking youth got on and stared at me until i got off, recognising the darker skin and brighter smile/dazed countenance that marks you out as at least a potential member of that 'under the nose' student experience. I tend to dip in and out, in that many of my friends belong to the international student hostel, and that I and the rest of the EVS volunteers along with me, have been invited along to their New Year celebration. The party is meant to last all night (it needs to becasue the last buses are at 10pm and the first begin at around 6am) and there is the option to 'party hop' between rooms, floors and even up the street. I am looking forward to 10pm on the 31st, when I have told * that we will arrive, but am slightly apprehensive. When * asked if i knew the way, i told him Jehnya (my south korean friend; a very convicted christian studying russian) would probably be going and could show us directions. * raised his eyebrow, and said in a very low voice; "does Jehnya party?" to which i blankly and innocently replied, "Didnt you see him on the dancefloor? he's an animal" (this conversation was taking place at the chruch, after the christmas party). Fishing for what he had really meant, and in order to interpret the nature of this New Year party i asked glibly "do we need to bring anything?" to which * replied once again, in a low voice, "We've got everything", and then catching the eye of anther student member of the worship band, who nodded in agreement, said "in fact i think we have too much" -_-

I know that the alcohol thing is quite cultural, and ive met plenty of YWAM gappers at Summer Madness that smoke and drink, as well as have sex. But that Sunday night, as Almira drove me home and we talked about New Year plans, she warned me to stick with * and the rest of the Vineyard Christian boys- because of all the wordly indulgence she has heard about, going on at these student hostel parties- and i didnt know whose double life i was caught up in, theirs- or mine. In some ways i feel like i should be relieved or something, like this is the freedom everyone talks about when you 'leave home'. That i can do whatever i want with these boys, and not be the condemned outcast, so that on Sunday morning we'll all be together in some grand joke that fools the rest of the middle aged congregation, and not stand ashamed before them- who we do eventually aspire to- but just not now- in our 'youth', and definately not somewhere as bleak and depressing, and sometimes racist, as Russia. It will just be like an exciting secret. But man, i like *, i want to like him, and respect him... is it ok? He practically organised the Christmas event! But i feel like, what is the difference then, between us and anyone else? what is so relevant or true about our faith if in the end we havent progressed beyond that same immediate understanding of life and joy that everyone else is still blinded by. how is it real if it hasnt even changed us? Perhaps faith isnt so superficial as binge drinking vs teetotalism, but if it does penetrate deeper- surely it would change the surface? And it is so crafty in some ways, because there is this really innocent and spiritually devoted girl, an eighteen year old who wants to be married at 21, that seems infatuated with one of the New Year Eve Party/ Worship Leader youth. Are we all, the 'foreign youth' just perpetuating this illusion? Is she perserving in the hope that he has good intentions, and she has a chance- when really; she is caught up in this worldy trap? Not even a trap, a game which to begin with she is just totally excluded from because she doesnt even know the rules; or that he gets drunk- while she 'doesnt party'? Its so cruel. And even if shes not as infatuated as ive made out, its just an example of the Church that isnt allowed to see all of who you are. And the fellowship that is just completely empty, because in the end everyone is at best hiding, and at worst- lying. And now i dont know what to think, never mind what to do. I mean, maybe its not even a moral question; because * is about to sit a major medicine exam, he has survived here for four years- in a country where he cant speak the language and walks around in constant paranoia, so maybe its justabout unwinding. But what about Masha? the drunkard that sexually harassed me?

i thought of her all the next day, certain smells or accents would just evoke such a revulsion in me. She said herself that she was hetrosexual, and yet grief or something drove her to seek relief from a member of the same sex. Is turning to alcohol, the same as turning to homosexuality- when you are driven by the same root of despair? Is drunkeness as disgusting as Masha's desperation? Obviously many people will think not, but why not? Its the same submission to your body, or release of control. In fact, drunkenness is what drew out that lust, so to begin with its even worse; because its more conceivable and acceptable- and therefore the bedrock of degradation. I'm not homophobic, or actually that opposed to alcohol; sometimes tipsiness is fun; when i'm in Emily Sommer's kitchen and we are drinking wine and dancing to Sean Paul, tripping up stairs giggling and just acting like fools. Or in Turkey when you are with your best friends. Or like tonight, when one of Sveta's friends called round; Alexei (finally! I have met a russian Alexei!), and i had a glass of shampagne and some chocolate to celebrate the New Year, and even wine with my dad for dinner. But there is a difference between drinking to celebrate life, and drinking to be drunk. And when you are in russia, surrounded by alcoholics, and women slurping from bottles of beer on the bus, surely binge drinking is absolutely unattractive.

People turn to alcohol from despair here. And as Pastor David observed to me 'there is no freedom. just to get outside takes so much effort'; you have to wrap up, unlock and lock about four locks, get down this tiny lift, trudge through thick snow etc. etc. in fact today, it took me two hours to get home- and i didnt even leave the city! Deborah, who went home to Germany for two weeks, cried for days because she didnt want to come back. and she is the one with a huge equipped and very modern apartment! and was convinced before she left, that she loved it here.

What is wrong with it then? Why are people so unhappy? Mary, my american friend, was found of saying that the worst thing for Russians, "is other russians". I think theres a truth there, but at the same time, why? why are people so mean? I keep wondering if Russia, or at least Nizhny Novgorod is a spiritual place. Obviously every country in the world has a spirituality, but there really does seem to be some looming force here. Some unharnassable, unendurable pressure pushing people into the ground. But the thing is, i dont think its neccessarily maleovent (however that word is spelt), its embodied in the climate. its been snowing for days, the city is literally being reborn. everything is cleaner and brighter, the mornings are fresh and crisp, and the hills in the distance are covered in white. The rivers have frozen and are being buried. The snow is so beautiful, it really is the saving grace of these grotesque buildings and factories. And what is amazing about it, is that that cover falls from heaven. little snow drops dance down from the sky, ceaselessly until its almost frustrating. they clothe the landscape in a layer of froth that literally sparkles and glistens as you trudge along, slipping and sliding, hobbling like an old woman. and when you are driving along the bridges, or up the hill that overlooks the city, its like its been put to sleep. it seems to be hushed in the white and mistiness, and everyone around you is somehow more sleepy and resigned, but also calm. Because Russians love the snow, they whined and whined until it arrived, and now that it has- anticipateskiing and snow boarding and ice skating, and are more collected about the natural order of things. they reminiscence about -30 and days when they couldnt leave their buildings because it was so cold. And with so much personalhopelessness braced against the climate of a God, how can Russia, despite the living traces of communim and nihilism, be unspiritual? Its so beautiful, but also indigestable. Its like there is so much hopelessness, because there are two worlds coexisting. There is the cars and the buses and the factories and the buildings, and then there is the snow. There is no harmony with nature here, understandably becasue its freezing, but more then that; there is no tenderness in anything. Like when you are makinga clay pot, there is this gentleness that lets it develop in your fingers, the way a flower sprouts or something. But there is no room for that gentle unfurling. everything is just violent and abrasive and snatched at, i understand the selfishness now though- becasue if you dont take it, you could miss it. like the seat on the bus, so youre left standing for forty minutes squished up against smelly men and women that have their legs between yours and theirhair in your face, people have to fight for jobs, and im sure back in the day they also fought for food. and that desperation just seems to be imprinted in everything. i dont understand what point im trying to make, or what im even saying.but the snow is like a constant reminder that there is another fathomless and very real reality, that completely overpowers human effort- for so long it has been misunderstood as the political, and economic turmoil which has dismantled Russian history, but their history has twisted and turned and changed like a viper, whereas the snow is permanent and timeless. no matter how petty or magnificent our squabbles are, there is still a greater force to reckonwith. and that hopelessness is that no matter how they try, it is out of their hands, and they have no hope because they dont pray.