18.11.08

was invited by a russian girl, Natashja to her english class. she is nineteen and studying languages at university. she collected me at 11am from sfera, and we walked down to the 'linguistic and financial faculty'- which is this pale blue square building surrounded by a high iron gate, and strange statues- including one that has got giant knives and forks sticking out of it. i meant to take a photo, but walking out i was too scared, and almost tripped over in frontof this gang of teenagers, standing around smoking and generally being intimidating. inside we descended until i was pretty sure we were underground. the building was honestly quite old, different from modern facilities of british universities i have seen so far- which all seem alot more competitve about attracting students. it was warm at least. central heating in russia is amazing. the class was a small group of about eight, with one male member and a teacher that had a strangely distinguished english accent and took pains to ensure that her students spoke in perfect grammar- going so far as to hesitate when a girl began a sentence with 'if we were...'. the teacher was very friendly, we conversed easily for a good forty minutes, her students- all very shy, only beginning to ask me bland questions; what i thought of russia etc. when she pressed them, having run out of ideas herself. we spoke alot about Moscow, and wheter i should visit it. the teacher- who i later learned was called Elena, expressed similiar views to Sergei about Moscowites- 'in Russia we say there is Russia, and then there is Moscow'. obviously alot of wealth is centralised in the capital, although i did also discover that Nizhny Novgorod has been historically regarded as the third capital of Russia; 'it's wallet'. obviously i was asked alot about northern irish, irish and british culture; and spun my answers out as long as i could, and probably left them with the impression that allllll people eat in N. Ireland is potatoes... after an hour and fourty nine minutes i left, Elena directed me out, and asked if i would go to a language school she teaches at some evening as they are in 'desperate need of native english speakers'. of course i agreed, and she now has my number.
afterward i walked around the street sheepishly looking in clothes shops. i tried yesterday, but dressed in my tracksuit bottoms i couldnt stand the disgraced and disgusted looks of some of the women; who are literally always in kneehigh leather heeled boots. i lasted a bit longer today, but eventually gave up; finally dismayed by the reflection i caught in the only full length mirror i have seen since arriving. and went back up to sfera. where i spent the rest of the day doodling, on facebook or talking. tomorrow i will begin my project, as piano theatre are finally back in town. but, after watching an EVS propaganda video Magda showed me- as part of her research (as she is giving a presentation about EVS) as i wallowed in boredom and realised that in general alot of the volunteers dont have much to do, i began to wonder why i had really come to russia. to work? ... to be honest im not that interested in children. i do love them. the more time i spend with children, the more glad i am of them. being around Sirosha and Lorsha is always such a pleasure and even relief, because i have come to the conclusion that children around the world are all exactly the same- they have this universal language that isnt verbal or even communicative, its like a language of existence. but i kind of just see them as part of the scenery, as another wonder of creation that although i appreciate and even admire, i am not particuarly 'interested' in. i like the stars, i think space is unfathomable, but i do not devote my energy to becoming an astronaut. maybe its laziness, but likewise children are just there, they are just this inevitable part of life becasue they perpetuate it- they are the next generation etc etc. i love to be among them, but i didnt come to russia specifically to work with them. so did i come for experiences outside of my project? obviously yes, but how much can i experience of real russian life when i cant communicate with russians? At the weekend Sveta took me to like a back alley market, where most of the 'natives' obviously do their shopping; without her involvement i would have never seen it, and will probably spend a good deal of my six months immune to the 'real' russia- i will spend my money in shops most russians cant afford to shop in etc. but i suppose, what is the real russia? why should my experience of russia be any less genuine? but did i even really come to experience the 'real' russia? when i can be so deluded and idealistic? i know i didnt come to be a 'volunteer', and live in this surreal air bubble of suspended reality. did i come because God called me? obviously there was some wierd dream planted in my heart; an unshakeable 'perhaps' that i can only call curiousity. but i wonder why God would have me here? i cannot really find any reasons for why i would have me here, other then some superficial fascination with Dostoevsky that doesnt even correlate with my goals, because really i am very aware of where the literary sphere ends, and how much of an imposter it is when invited into reality. but am i looking for a scapegoat in saying that the reason i came was God? am i being irresponsible to say i was 'led'? is it just that my ideals have proven groundless thatnow i blame God? but what ideals did i really have?
what i'm saying, is that i dont know why i'm here. it isnt to work with children. it isnt to be the guest in a house of people i cant communicate with. it isnt to drink vodka with europeans i barely know enough to like. it isnt to sit in SFERA on the internet. and yet i wouldnt be anyhwere else. im here for a purpose. perhaps it will be my metamorphisis. everything seems so oddly still around me, as though nothing will move, as though i should be here and nowhere else. and i dont know where the strength is coming from. i dont know why im not completely overwhelmed, and how, when homesickness begins to whistle just under my perception, i can so easily draw away from it and resolve to be content. again there is only one answer, there is one word and one conclusion left. when i am silent and have nothing left to say, one idea still resounds from me. God. and i know that because of Him, these six months will go so quickly. Because his authority is time.
i got the bus home, and while waiting outside sfera for bus 64 (that takes absolutely ages to come) it started to snow. i love it when it snows in the dark. when little flakes of white float down from an unpenetrable black above, like a greeting from some secret place.and all the world, and even nizhny novgorod seems merrier. i cant wait for the snow, for some sign of the natural world in such a grey bleak festering city. i have even changed my laptop background to a picture of grass! and i will miss my beach until i am sick, and those long summer evenings and the fresh air and the wilderness of the sea. i have decided that i dont agree with cities. anyway, despite the uncomfortably dropping temperature, beside me, near the bin i had watcheda beggar hoke through for vodka yesterday, a boy was having an icecream! they love icecream here! and apparently its really cheap. when i got home, Lorsha and Sergei greeted me. They gave me a bunch of flowers they had picked! Lorsha seems particuarly interested in me, he came to stand in my room and gestured to the view in the window, exclaiming 'beautiful' and trying to make conversation in russian. i helped them with their english homework again, for which they continually apologized and kept repeating in the most adorable oblivion; 'thank you big!'
p.s. i should have brought The Simms!