On the flight from Vienna to Nizhny Novgorod, when i was surrounded by Russians for the first time (who don't seem to look around themselves) I fluctuated between terror, relief and a shy anticipation. and then the plane angled sideways and broke through paradise, so that i was sitting on the edge of my seat, desperate for a glimpse, practically holding my breath as we drifted through cloud, becoming, with a sinking stomach, terrible aware that it was getting greyer and greyer.
And then behold, finally; Russia. I don't know if i'd say it was an anti-climax, because i wasn't expecting green fields and rainbows... it was climatical in that it made me still, in that old silent reverenced tremor i slip into sometimes. but fear gave way to curiosity, and then awe. even relief. the landscape is literally black. i'd heard about russian black soil in some documentary, but even above us the clouds had seemed to darken, around us the air was grey and below leagues of leafless sleeping trees sprawled over an incredibly flat land. and when the plane landed everyone jumped up and began donning these big coats that literally appeared from nowhere, of course i followed suit, and was glad of it.
i realise these details are probably insignificant but i have time (i'm at an office- i'll explain later) and that first impression was surreal, almost confusing; i didn't know what to say, although it occured to me that words and feelings were unnessassary at that point, and with an almost spiritual gulp i determined to just accept it. acceptance replacing panic was also down to exhaustion. when the bus pulled up to this bomb-shelter looking airport i was relieved to have finally just arrived.
i tried to engrave moments into my mind throughout the journey; getting onto the plane at Vienna etc, but the sight of that air port printed itself on my memory indepandently of any effort. i felt like we had arrived at some hostel in the antarctic. it was this small weary looking shelter. but here, bleakness is a secondary consideration, especially in the cold. optimistic as i had intended that idea to be, the 'glory' of survival is quickly being reduced to reality. it's cold and grey, and that's it.
i'm living from moment to moment, the only certainty is the decision to be overwhelmed or to appreciate. to appreciate that right now i'm ok, i'm healthy. And I thank God for the strength to continue.
after a long slow queue at a paranoid passport control, reminiscent of what might be communism (of course i can say that with the ignorance of a presumptious western student- philosophical and political because its fashionable), and then having my luggage screened, i was met by Darina (my co-ordinator) and Ksenia (my mentor). they are both 22, petite and very attractive. and very nice and well meaning.
i didn't get to see much of the city because it was so dark. but eventually, after dragging my monster bag around (thought i had packed too much until i met the other volunteers; someone tried to bring 32 kilos!) we were met by Sveta, my host for two weeks- possibly less. the original full term host pulled out at the last moment for personal reasons, so i'm staying with Sveta for the mean time. her apartment has a kitchen, toilet, washroom and two other rooms which double as a living room/bedroom and a study/bedroom. none of the rooms are bigger then my upstairs bathroom, and there's something oppressive about the toilet where the walls seem to almost press against you. it's a very warm flat, so warm i couldn't sleep- carpets have been pinned to the wall (for insulation purposes i think). it's a nice place, very homely and traditional- apart from the close living space it is very comfortable. my bed folds out from a sofa, but so does Sveta's (in the living room), which she will be sharing with her son who arrives tomorrow evening.
(my room)
She's emptied a wardrobe for me- which is very generous; i have no idea where her or her son's stuff is. the best thing about the flat is her cat, Musik- which you pronounce with a roll of the tongue (which of course i can't do) who she rescued from the street. He's this shiny beautiful sack of fluff and affection, that slept on my bed last night, i'm so glad of his company, having stupidly decided to leave behind my teddy. Having something to cuddle could be my salvation.
(Muzik)
Sveta doesn't speak English, but we are developing
an easy companionship, she's one of those people that isnt afraid of silence. which is such a relief, and we're trying to learn from one another. She's taught me sakar for sugar, bacha for bye and some other words i've forgotten but will write down. Ksenia tells me she plans to stick labels to things in Russian, I'll contribute the English- so hopefully both of our language skills can improve. she made me a big bowl of uncooked vegtable salad which was delicious, and just what i needed. and we each had a small plate of fried potatoe. Breakfast was a sweet curd and small slice of bread with some type of ham and butter.
i wrote that all down at Sveta's office this morning, where i accompanied her and Ksenia to work. The night before i had moments of despondancy and temptation to despair, as i lay hot and thirsty, but opening the window and looking out on the city enthused me a bit; You're in Russia i told myself, but the unknown is absolutely terrifying- but when hope grows, it is also so full of possibility. and this morning, i felt better. i always thought solace was easy for me; it is, but in vulnerability its nice to have a friend or even someone going through something similiar- i didnt realise i was such an expressive person. but i convinced myself the next day would be better, and it was. getting washed, putting on perfume, feeling fresher and chirpy. we got two hectic buses to her office. where Ksenia had tried to explain to me the night before, all her colleagues wanted to meet me. the building has been open for four months aparently, it's really new. the entire city seems to be in some type of birth labour- theres building sites everywhere, and its almost this violent struggle between what went before and whats coming. of course, i couldnt communicate with anyone, and just sat writing down all that above, but then lunch came and we all went downstairs, and just being around them as they laughed together made me feel so much better.
so when i arrived at SFERA i was able to meet about five other volunteers, i conversed with three of them; Nikola; a croation/frenchman, Andrea; an austrian who is working at the same placement as me so will be seeing much more of her and is also eighteen, Lisa; another austrian, Geraldine; a german who would fit in back home so easily. what a relief to have met them, young dynamic enthusiastic people that aren't struggling, and the pole Artur who i greeted but didn't get the oppurtunity to talk to. all of them, accept for Nikola who can speak pretty fluent Russian are living with other volunteers...they invited me to a party tomorrow. i've no idea how i'd get there but hopefully.
Sveta is going to another town tomorrow to pick up her son, she won't be back til the evening so i have the flat to myself until twelve when Ksenia suggested meeting me at the flat to go into the city centre, and then eventually introduce me to her husband. that's the plan for now but they went back to work and i didn't arrange anything concrete with Ksenia and then there's the party...
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