09.11.08

i can see it happening... Alexander (Sasha)...who i was desperate to like, out of gratitude for his patience and workable grasp of english has been accompanying me mostly every where so far, at first i genuinely liked him- but then of course it turned to using, and then affection from guilt, and now... he asks me questions about how i will live with my 'husband', he explains all the merits of russian men and their courtship traditions, he calls me a hero... being dependant on him is so suffocating! at the party last night i would cringe inwardly everytime he tried to follow or would watch me, or dragged me to the kitchen for another 'russian tradition' of drinking with your friends. and the party was soooo good! nothing brightens the spirit like a bit of dancing! it was my first volunteer party, in Hasha, Marie and Artur's flat- a place far more bigger and spacious then where i am currently living. And all three of them are soooooooooooo great.all the volunteers are great in fact. its such a relief being around people in a similar situation. Hasha is this aggressive polish girl who greeted me by forcing a shot of vodka into a hand, and a slice of bread into the other- and continually gathered people, giving out alcohol like it would go out of fashion and proposing toasts to Rachel the new volunteer. And Marie, the little petite french girl who is so adorable and caring, immediately she began introducing me to peopleand i could tell that if i were to withdraw into a corner it would be her to fetch me out. Artur, the polish Philosophy teacher who gave me a manual to Nizhny Novgorod and seemed particularly interested in having proper conversations, i get really good vibes from him.

Marie- Ann and Andrea

i was surprisingly open, having one really funny conversation with a korean student Yung, that couldnt speak english- while i cant speak korean or russian. We stayed over because there was no buses at that time in the morning, and Sasha, who by this point was mumbling senselessly and imposing his awkward presence in the background, tried to sleep beside me! out of some freaking guardian delusion, that somehow encouraged his first thought to be of me when he woke up! David, a Russian who grew up in Germany whom i 'connected' with in an interesting discussion, and randomly suggested Jewish when we played the 'you dont look irish, where are you from?' game, thankfully intervened in Russian, (David is a volunteer, but with another organisation; there were about fifty people at this party, not all of them doing EVS). Hasha finally harassed Sasha into another room. in the morning i got up, and about fifteen minutes later Sasha was awake as well, and we sat in the kitchen with another Russian couple who had stayed the night, watching Sasha and Sergei drink more wine! (in what he later explained to me was yet another 'russian tradition), while leaving every couple of minutes to smoke outside. i finally impressed on him the need to leave, because of Sveta's son, Sergei's, birthday. and, after making some strange attempt to communicate with Marie, we left. my heart thundering because i was sure he was drunk and would either make some ridiculous attempt on me, get us lost, or walk out in front of a car. he held it together though, as russian men probably do, even managing to warn me on the bus that i should stay away from men who are drunk on the streets, and despite making some rash decisions to step out onto busy roads we got back to Sveta's, and i saw my first snow on the way, and prepared for Sergei's (Sveta's son) birthday.
four of his friends came, two girls and another boy; and of course most of the time they poked one another or threw cushions at each other. Sasha's translation and explanation and unnessessary intervention just became infuriating, so that, in my exhausted state, i didnt want to touch him or so much as look at him, hopefully communicating so much in the blunt body language i can be so guilty of, while not rejecting his friendship. and i am probably being too hard on him, he is probably very well intending- maybe in my emotional nervousness i am just overly paranoid. he is nice, i think he tried to apologize for being so drunk. men can just make me panic, especially in this situation. Sergei is a delightful boy, i've spent about four hours with him so far, and he always brings Muzik to me, or just smiles. he's very beautiful, with such light expressive eyes, (the beauty in Russian men seems to be in their eyes) and is always smiling and chatting, he has such a free charisma.
However, at the party, i discovered that one Korean boy- with fluent english and an american accent, Jehnya Kang, and a german girl Deborah who wants to study at Trinity both attend the Vineyard Church i found on the internet before i came.we've exchanged numbers, as i managed to pocket alot that night- and pass around my own liberally, so hopefully i will get to go sometime soon! i was also invited by an english speaking Russian girl to go to some English classes at the local university so the students can practice their english- that's if i can get there! I would love to meet more russians my own age, and make friends. i think i managed to at least meet everyone at the party, it was so fun! tomorrow there is nothing planned for me because Piano Theatre is still in Moscow, so i will go to SFERA in the morning, bum around on the internet and if i can work up the courage, go look around some shops, because in my oversized colourful Trespass coat i feel like such a tourist- especially among the somehow glamorous figure flaunting russian women, (despite the cold).
every day has been if not equal to, better then the last. it's not getting worse... so i am optimistic that it will get better. you have to be optimistic in russia. especially when university graduates less then i did in my job at Woodsides...

Magda and Yung